Forum: Humour

Whoops ! he's off.

The biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will...

The Smiths were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Smith made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered, "No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the...

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the...

A woman goes to the doctor in Glesgae, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner. The doc asks: "What's the problem, Janet? The woman says: "Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinnae know...

.

My mate was chatting to a girl in a bar. She whispered, "Do you fancy coming back to my place, i"ve got a f***y the size of a polo. "Oh yes he said. When they got back to her placehe pulled...

A truly touching story.... I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and...

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river,his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"The woodcutter replied that...

Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell and waits there with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips...

My Jewish friendstarted his chemotherapy today He doesn't have cancer ... just saving money on haircuts

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course." What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain...

The Pole drinks his beer and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Poland our glasses are so cheap that we don't need to drink from...

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship & the sky presenter said she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court" I just happened to glance at the wife now it"s all kicked...

Italian rescue divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two glaswegians in the bar.theyve told the divers to ...... off they are all inclusive.

Typical the new Margaret Thatcher movie has been classified PG apparently it is not siutable for miners.

:Erm: . . . .

DOG FOR SALE : A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and...

George Michael has come out in support for the Captain of the Costa Concordia He said he knows how it feels to be left abandoned and lying on your side with a broken bottom after a nights cruising

Iam typing this message from the A&E. It turns out the Dyson ball cleaner isn`t quite what i expected :doh

Just seen a Priest on the telly praising one of his altar boys for saving his life. Apparently the 12 year old found a lump on one of his testicles !

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from...

The last 10 pence A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going...

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and...

Jamie Oliver can feed a family of four for a fiver at Sainsburys.... Anthony Worral Thomson can feed a family of 4 for eff all at Tesco!