The Royal Navy, Health & Safety and Human Rights Laws.

[mickcant]

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having
initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming
Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS
Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy,
HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and
comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human
rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access.
Live ammunition has been replaced with paint balls to reduce the risk of
anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims.
Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will
have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the
latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability.
Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with
Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come
equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the
Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in
the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional
reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional
rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy
remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash
will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from
the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to
be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices
boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members
will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or
moustaches - this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is
considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been
discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony
conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a
petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal
Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment
will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to
ports on England's south coast.

The Deputy Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest
in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with
any new legislation coming out of Brussels." His final words were,
"Britannia waives the rules!"

[grahamw48]

Brilliant !

[Dedworth]

Brilliant, love it

I've always liked stirring ship names like Vanguard, Victory, Stick, Fearless, Revenge, Conquerer etc but as your tale suggests with the simpering shadow of its former self the RN now is names like Wimp, Retreat, Liberal, Diverse, Equality would be more apt

[Terpe]

Nice Mick.
Made me laugh.

[Englishman2010]

Very good

[Englishman2010]

Brilliant, love it

I've always liked stirring ship names like Vanguard, Victory, Stick, Fearless, Revenge, Conquerer etc

I love the names the Yanks give their missile systems and war planes, eg Hellfire, Predator, Grim Reaper, You're screwed buddy ...etc

[hawk]

2 save money they can recruit ladyboys from bangkok that sorts out the men and women side

[Dedworth]

I love the names the Yanks give their missile systems and war planes, eg Hellfire, Predator, Grim Reaper, You're screwed buddy ...etc

There's some excellent ones I'll add a few Intruder, Maverick, Spectre, Tomahawk, Sidewinder, Vigilante, Stratofortress, Cobra. Their ship names are less inspiring USS Hiram J Cocksucker, USS Ronald McDonald etc

[hawk]

HMS bang cock HMS free passage

[Arthur Little]

2 save money they can recruit ladyboys from bangkok that sorts out the men and women side

! Or ...

[Arthur Little]

! Or ...

... perhaps "good *point" was NOT the most appropriate turn of phrase for me to use in the context. ...

ladyboys from bangkok

... although a trans'sexual approach WOULD bring about SOME form of gender "equality".

[Arthur Little]

, Mick ... got sidetracked there!

Thanks for this brilliant contribution

... it's SOOO funny ...

[Arthur Little]

... also sooo very, VERY TRUE!

[Englishman2010]

I read in the news recently that due to MOD cuts the British and French Navies may start sharing Aircraft Carriers. I can see some pros and cons to this:

Pro's
Great on board catering
It will be a beautifully stylish ship
It will handle well
It will shift like a cat on a hot tin roof

Cons
It will be made of the plastic you get in trays of biscuits
the electrics will fuse every 2 weeks
the French will burn anything that is British

finally, if the ship sails anywhere near a German registered ship it will automatically raise the white flag and surrender

[hawk]

if uk let french near our navy they will do what we did and that is sink the ships like we did to them in ww2